Relearning to Love
If you do not leave, then I will have to call the police and they will remove you.
Those were the last words that I said to my mother as her daughter. I knew at the time that there would be no fixing this. I couldn’t deny the crushing pain in my chest anymore. Her previous words rang in my ears.
I am the only one that will ever really love you.
Said at the end of a tirade, a detailed breakdown of all my flaws and the final attempt at control that she had in her arsenal. She’d tried it all that day and it failed for the first and final time.
I watched as seven different masks of the person she can be, slipped on and off her being with terrifying ease. I saw them all reflected but I couldn’t see my mother anymore. I wanted desperately to see a semblance of who I thought she was, so that I could cling onto the denial I once had. That someone who loved me couldn’t mean to hurt me like this.
Nothing left.
My own thoughts echoed then in my mind. The last branch of sanity for me to hold onto.
This isn’t love. You don’t want this life and you can learn how to live without her.
This was my only choice I took a deep breath and repeated my warning. I stayed there numbly until the door slammed shut. She had succeeded in the worst way that day. My mother wanted to break me but instead she just forced me to protect myself. In that moment, I knew that my role as her daughter had finished, and I felt completely lost.
In truth that day, I let my anger steer me until I could process the depth of other emotion. For years I had built my life around the co-dependant relationship that I had with my mother and her needs. I didn’t realise that I had buried deep, the daughter I had been to protect myself from the grief. It made becoming who I am now, easier but it wasn’t correct either. I miss that part of my life and it’s in my thoughts every day.
Recently, I watched a copy of my childhood videos, and it made me rethink what I need. I watched myself as a two-year-old, seeing my face as it lit up because I’d made my mother smile. I had forgotten her face and her voice and thought I’d worked through her loss, but I hadn’t. if I’m honest, I’ve just been searching for the mother I used to know, hoping, and waiting for a return that won’t happen. I miss that love I felt for my mother, but I know I can’t go back. Not without sacrificing who I am now and I refuse to do that. So, there is no healthy way to have a relationship with her.
There were no boundaries between us because she couldn’t cope with them. She took them as an insult and a sign of deceit. She needs to be able to control to love. It’s the only thing that makes her feel safe. My needs were always expendable because I am a very empathetic person, and her love was conditional on that expectation. Our relationship depended on continued sacrifice from me and she took everything I had and then asked for more.
In trying to move on, I had forgotten the good things about my mother, the things about her I liked. Also, I thought about myself then and I realised what I need to do. I need to forgive myself for not being able to be who she wants and forgive her for failing my ideals equally.
Now I’m having to relearn how to love my mother, safely and use my experience to become stronger and feel better in the future.
